Following
7 Nov 09
Life isn't divided into genres. It's horrifying, romantic, tragic, comical, science-fiction cowboy detective novel. You know, with a bit of pornography if you're lucky.
(via killa-am)
Things I Am
(This is mostly just for myself)
- a worrier & a fixer
- broke
- in love with a boy
- someone that you may not have talked to in four years, but still call them up at three in the morning because you really need a friend and know they’ll answer and talk for hours no matter how early they have to be awake the next morning
- teller of the truth (sometimes)
- lover of winter, lover of fall skin
- a student
- always thinking, always writing.
- too sensitive
Crybaby.
Ever since I was a little girl, I’ve always been incredibly conscious of crying in front of people. Even around my family or parents, I was never comfortable with it. Unlike plenty of other children, I didn’t ask for or crave sympathy. I never wanted people to worry about me or why I was crying. Up to now, I remain the same way. I don’t like it when people waste emotion(s) on me. I don’t know why. I just don’t think I’m very worthy of them, if at all. I’m just me, after all.
Of course, there were a lot of times when I couldn’t help but run to my mom or nannies crying. But 98% of the time, whenever I got emotionally hurt in front of my family, I always tried to avoid them seeing me cry. It made me feel awkward and ashamed that I was “shallow” enough to shed tears about whatever it was. I would always rather keep to myself and save everyone else the time and myself the attention, which to this day is something I still don’t quite enjoy. I would always turn away or run somewhere else I could be alone so I could cry to myself and let my emotions out. If there was nowhere else to go, I’d try my best to hold it all in and suck it up until I got a moment alone.
I’m the same way today. I really don’t like crying in front of people. Not because it shows weakness, but because of the same reasons as they always have been. I don’t want giving me attention I don’t deserve. I don’t want to talk about whatever caused me to cry. I don’t want to open up. I don’t want to realize the reality of the bullshit that caused me to cry. I don’t want people to waste emotions on me. I don’t want them to think about why I cried. And bottom line is, I just don’t want to. The reasons go on, I’m sure. But I think I’ve given enough.
